Angie Fenimore Comitted Suicide And Finds Herself In Hell

Angie Fenimore, a wife and mother who was continually reminded by the abuse that took place in her childhood suffered tremendously in despair, but nothing compared to what she experienced after she found herself dead.

On January 8, 1991, she committed suicide, hoping to escape her sense of emptiness and suffering.   Her clinical death didn’t draw her to the light as many claim they see in their after death experiences.

She  found herself in a realm of darkness, and the hell she experienced was far more horrific and personal than the old fire-and-brimstone metaphors.   She was terrified with what she saw but miraculously, she was restored back to life which changed her outlook forever.

From Her Book Beyond the Darkness

“I was passing over into a different sphere. My soul was disconnecting from my body with a hum that kept growing louder, rising to a whine as the vibration of death pulled me deeper.

I noticed that there was a large screen before me. I was being drawn into a three-dimensional slide show of my life that played out before my eyes chronologically, while I experienced every part of it from all points of view and all points of understanding. I knew exactly how each person felt who had ever interacted with me.

In particular, however, I was being shown in vivid detail exactly what my childhood was really like. The pictures flew past me, but I easily absorbed every moment, each one triggering an entire memory or a chunk of my life. So this was what people meant when they said, “My life flashed before my eyes.”

The closer I came to the end of my life, the faster the pictures flew past me. It was incredible!  In an instant I had experienced the entirety of the twenty-seven years from my birth until the moment that I found myself dying on the couch and passing into the warm tunnel. Then the fast motion of my life rushing past and through me stopped abruptly.

Now what?

Where was I? I was immersed in darkness. My eyes seemed to adjust, and I could see clearly even though there was no light. The darkness continued in all directions and seemed to have no end, but it wasn’t just blackness, it was an endless void, an absence of light. It was completely enveloping.

I swung my head around to explore the thick blackness and saw, to my right, standing shoulder to shoulder, a handful of others. They were all teenagers.

“Oh, we must be the suicides.”

With a laugh, I opened my mouth, but before I could form the words, they came tumbling out. I wasn’t sure whether I had thought the words or had attempted to say them, but they were audible without my having to move my lips. Then I wasn’t sure if these other people had heard me, until the guy next to me responded.

He didn’t say a word to me. He slowly looked down at me and turned forward again. There was absolutely no expression on his face, no warmth or intelligence in his eyes. Suspended in darkness, he and all the others stood fixed in a thoughtless stupor.

Second over from the other end of the line was a girl who looked to be in her late teens. I was coming to see that feeling – what some call intuition or the sixth sense – was the preferred method of transferring information here, where unvoiced ideas grew audible. As I exercised my new power of  sensing/feeling, I had an inkling that I was remembering a long-forgotten, natural, familiar skill that had been supplanted or subverted by words, and I quickly grew proficient at this new way of gaining knowledge.

But she did not connect with me. Her empty gaze, fixed on nothing, continued uninterrupted by my thoughts about her. She was just like the rest of them, staring blankly forward, with no concern or curiosity about where we were. They were dead, and so was I.

Suddenly, as if we had been waiting for a kind of sorting process to take place, I was sucked further into the darkness by an unseen and undefined power, leaving the teenagers behind. I landed on the edge of a shadowy realm, suspended in the darkness, extending to the limits of my sight.

I knew that I was in a state of hell, but this was not the typical fire and brimstone hell that I had learned about as a young child. The word purgatory rose, whispered, into my mind.

Men and women of all ages, but no children, were standing or squatting or wandering about on the realm. Some were mumbling to themselves. The darkness emanated from deep within and radiated from them in an aura I could feel. They were completely self-absorbed, every one of them too caught up in his or her own misery to engage in any mental or emotional exchange. They had the ability to connect with one another, but they were incapacitated by the darkness.

I gradually became aware of the sounds of a kaleidoscopic flurry of voices, and I realized that in this realm, thoughts were the mode of communication. Around me I could hear the buzz of thoughts, as if I were in a crowded movie theater with lights down low, picking up the sounds of hushed exchanges.

Sitting next to me was a man who appeared to be about sixty years old. This man’s eyes were totally without comprehension. Pathetically squatting on the ground, draped in filthy white robes, he wasn’t radiating anything, not even self-pity. I felt that he had absorbed everything there was to know here and had chosen to stop thinking. He was completely drained, just waiting. I knew that his soul had been rotting here forever. In this dark prison a day might as well be a thousand days or a thousand years.

I was sure that this man, like the middle-aged woman, had killed himself. His clothing suggested that he might have walked the earth during Jesus Christ’s earthly ministry. I wondered if he was Judas Iscariot, who had betrayed the Savior and then hung himself. I felt that I should be embarrassed that I was thinking these things in his presence, where he could hear me.

As my mind reached for more information, I felt tremendous disappointment. I could feel and completely know about everything around me just by posing a question in my mind or by looking in any direction. The possibilities for learning were endless, but I had no books, no television, no love, no privacy, no sleep, no friends, no light, no growth, no happiness, and no relief  – no knowledge to gain and no way to use it.

But worse was my growing sense of complete aloneness. Even hearing the brunt of someone’s anger, however unpleasant, is a form of tangible connection. But in this empty world, where no connections could be made, the solitude was terrifying.

Then I heard a voice of awesome power, not loud but crashing over me like a booming wave of sound; a voice that encompassed such ferocious anger that with one word it could destroy the universe, and that also encompassed such potent and unwavering love that, like the sun, it could coax life from the earth. I cowered at its force and at its excruciating words:

“Is this what you really want?”

The great voice emanated from a pinpoint of light that swelled with each thunderous word until it hung like a radiant sun just beyond the black wall of mist that formed my prison. Though far more brilliant that the sun, the light soothed my eyes with its deep and pure white luminescence. I sensed that the light could not (or perhaps would not – I wasn’t sure) cross the barrier into the darkness. And I knew with complete certainty that I was in the presence of God.

He was a Being of Light, not just radiating light or illuminated from within, but he almost seemed to be made of the light. It was a light that had substance and dimension, the most beautiful, glorious substance that I have ever beheld. All beauty, all love, all goodness were contained in the light that poured forth from this being. But there is nothing that we are even capable of imagining that comes close to the magnitude of perfect love that this being poured into me.

While I was not remembering details of a life before my mortal birth, I was reacquainting myself with the life that I shared with the Father, a spirit life that seemed to extend to the beginning of the universe.

I could see that none of the others in the realm were aware of God’s presence. The man cowering next to me could see that I was focused on something, but it was apparent that he couldn’t see anything beyond the barrier. Others continued to babble unaware.

Then God spoke to me. His words were excruciating:

“Is this what you really want? Don’t you know that this is the worst thing you could have done?”

I could feel his anger and frustration, both because I’d thrown in the towel and because I had cut myself off from him and from his guidance.

And I’d felt trapped. I had been able to see no other choice but to die before I could do any more damage in life. So I answered:

“But my life is so hard.”

My thoughts were communicated so fast that they weren’t even completed before I absorbed his response:

“You think that was hard? It is nothing compared to what awaits you if you take your life.”

When the Father spoke, each of his words exploded into a complex of meanings, like fireworks, tiny balls of light that erupted into a billion bits of information, filling me with streams of vivid truth and pure understanding.

“Life’s supposed to be hard. You can’t skip over parts. We have all done it. You must earn what you receive.”

Suddenly I  felt another presence with us, the same presence that had been with me when I first crossed over into death and who had reviewed my life with me. I recognized that he had been with us the whole time, but that I was only now becoming able to perceive him. Then I’d sensed his powerful, yet gentle personality, but now I could feel him so strongly that I could even ascertain his shape. What I could see were bits of light coming through the darkness, like tiny laser beams pinpricking a black sheet or like stars peeping through the blackness of a cloudless night. This light was unmistakably of the same brilliance as the glorious light that emanated from the Father, but my spiritual eyes were incapable of fully beholding it. My ability to see with my eyes was somehow linked to my willingness to believe.

The rays of light penetrated me with incredible force, with the power of an all-consuming love. This love was as pure and potent as the Father’s, but it had an entirely new dimension of pure compassion, of complete and perfect empathy. I felt that he not only understood my life and my pains exactly, as if he had actually lived my life, but that he knew everything about how to guide me through it; how my different choices could produce either more bitterness or new growth. Having thought all my life that no one could possibly understand what I had been through, I was now aware that there was one other person who truly did.

Through this empathy ran a deep vein of sorrow. He ached, he truly grieved for the pain I had endured, but even more for my failure to seek his comfort. His greatest desire was to help me. He mourned my blindness as a mother would mourn a dead child. Suddenly I knew that I was in the presence of the redeemer of the world.

He spoke to me through the veil of darkness:

“Don’t you understand? I have done this for you.”

As I was flooded with his love and with the actual pain that he bore for me, my spiritual eyes were opened. In that moment I began to see just exactly what it was that the Savior had done, how he had sacrificed for me. He showed me; He had taken me into himself, subsumed my life in his, embracing my experiences, my sufferings, as his own. And so for a second I was within his body, able to see things from his point of view and to experience his self-awareness. He let me in so I could see for myself how he had taken on my burdens and how much love he bore me.

And I knew where I had gone wrong. I had doubted his existence. I had questioned the authenticity of the scriptures because what they claimed seemed too good to be true. I had hoped that there was truth to the idea of a Savior who had given his life for me, but I had been afraid to really believe. To believe without seeing requires a great deal of trust. My trust had been violated so many times in my life that I had very little to spare. And so I had clung to my pain so tightly that I was willing to end my life rather than unburden myself and act on the chance that a Savior existed. He wanted to comfort me and to hold me, but we were separated by my responses to the lessons of life. He had been there for me all through my life, but I had not trusted him.

As I watched from the Savior’s perspective, his unique comprehension of my predicament was transferred to the Father. From my new perspective I saw God in profile as he was looking at my form. The Father and his Son’s communication was so rapid, so perfect, that they seemed to think each other’s thoughts in unison. Jesus was pleading my case. There was no conflict or argument here;  Jesus’ understanding was accepted without dispute because he had all the facts. He was the perfect judge. He knew precisely where I stood in relation to my need for mercy and the universe’s need for justice. Now I could see that all the suffering in my mortal life would be temporary, and that it was actually for my good. Our sufferings on earth need not be futile. Out of the most tragic of circumstances springs human growth.

As God the Father and Jesus were teaching me, their words picked up speed and power and then merged, so that they were saying the exact same things in the very same moment. They shared one voice, one mind, and the purpose, and I was deluged with pure knowledge.

I learned that just as there are laws of nature, of physics and probability, there are laws of spirit. One of these spiritual laws is that a price of suffering must be paid for every act of harm. I was painfully aware of the suffering I had caused my family and other people because of my own weaknesses. But now I saw that by ending my life, I was destroying the web of connections of people on earth, possibly drastically altering the lives of millions, for all of us are inseparably linked, and the negative impact of one decision has the capacity to be felt throughout the world.

My children, certainly, would be gravely harmed by my suicide. I was given a glimpse of their future, not the events of their lives but rather energy, and the character that their lives would have. By abandoning my earthly responsibilities, I would influence my children, my oldest son in particular, to make choices that would lead him away from his divine purpose. Before Alex was born, I was told, he had agreed to perform specific tasks during his life on earth. His duty was not revealed to me, but I felt the energy that his life would have up until his young adult years.

I was told that my children were great and powerful spirits and that up to this point in my life, I had not deserved them. I caught a glimpse of how deeply God loves my boys, and how, with my callous disregard for their welfare, I was tampering with the sacred will of God.

Then I was shown how I would harm other people close to me, such as my husband and my sister, Tony, by taking my life; and by extension, countless others. There were people on the earth whom I would never meet who would be affected by my suicide. Because of the anger and pain I would cause them, my loved ones would be unable to store up the goodness that they were meant to pass on to others. I would be held responsible for the damages – or the lack of good – they would do while immersed in the pain of my selfish death. And I would pay dearly for it, since spiritual laws dictate that all of the harm, including lack of good, stemming from my death be punished by a measure of suffering. Even though I couldn’t foresee the ripple effect my death would cause, I would be held accountable. God himself is bound by spiritual law, and so there could be no escape for me.

And I was shown that for me, the realm of darkness was quite literally spiritual time-out, a place where I was supposed to grasp the gravity of my offenses and to pay the price. But I had to ask, why me? Why was it that I could see God while the vacant husk of a man next to me could not?  Why was I absorbing light and being taught, while he was hunkering down in misery and darkness?

I was told that the reason is willingness. When I first looked at that man and wondered if he had been alive during the earthly ministry of Jesus, the question showed that I was willing to believe in God, willing to believe that Christ had once walked the earth. And once I was willing to believe, I was able to see.  Willingness and ability are the same thing. All around me on the dark realm were people of varying degrees of willingness, of understanding, of ability to see that Jesus Christ was there with us the whole time. I don’t know if the others were talking to God as I was or if they were talking to other messengers of light that I was not yet capable of seeing, but I’m sure that not all of them were just mumbling to themselves. And I could see that my spiritual time-out could have lasted a moment, or it could have taken me thousands of years to progress out of that dark prison, depending on when I reached the point of willingness to see the light.

And what about the spiritual law that required me to suffer for the damage I had already done in life, up until and including my suicide? I was told that the debt had already been paid, that the sacrifice had already been made. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus Christ had experienced all the suffering that has or ever will take place in the life of any human born on this earth. He experienced my life, he bore my sins, he accepted my grief. But in order for the agony that Jesus endured on my behalf to count, in order for him to take my place in fulfilling that spiritual law, I had to accept his gift.

My heart broke as I realized that I had been not only hurting my family, who are beloved children of God, but also causing my Savior, who had such all-encompassing love and compassion for me, to suffer – all because I had allowed myself to be molded by other people’s weaknesses.

Now my perception was shifting, and the darkness seemed to lift slightly. When I first entered the dark prison, my vision took in only the things and the people in the realm of darkness. But once I had taken enough light in from God and Jesus, my spiritual eyes were opened to another dimension in the darkness. Now I could see that Beings of Light were all around me.

Hell, while also a specific dimension, is primarily a state of mind. When we die, we are bound by what we think. In mortality the more solid our thoughts become, as we act upon them – allowing darkness to develop in others and in ourselves – the more damning they are. I had been in hell long before I died, and I hadn’t realized it because I had escaped many of the consequences up until the point that I took my life. But when we die, our state of mind grows far more obvious because we are gathered together with those who think as we do. This ordering is completely natural and is consistent with how we choose to live while we are in this world. Our time is but a heartbeat in the eternal scheme of creation, and yet it is the crucial moment of truth, the turning point. It determines how our spirits will exist forever, into both the future and the past.

I was becoming less and less a part of the place of darkness with each particle of light that I accepted. I hadn’t felt myself lift off the surface, but now I was hovering above the field of darkness, into the realm of the scurrying spirits of light.

I could feel the urgency in the spirits who were scurrying about to do the work of God. I was then told that we are in the final moments before the Savior will return to the earth. I was told that the war between darkness and light upon the earth has grown so intense that if we are not continually seeking light, the darkness will consume us and we will be lost. I was not told when it would happen, but I understood that the earth is being prepared for the second coming of Christ. I looked down at the pathetic souls and realized that I no longer felt as they did. I wanted to live.

Then the powerful energy source that had transported me to the dark prison returned to liberate me. For a split second a rushing sensation engulfed me. The darkness sped past, and suddenly I was back in my body, lying on the couch.

“When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul laughs for what it has found.” – Sufi aphorism

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  • Seby Sebastian

    It is time we should share the experiences to the people who dont believe.
    Send e mails and let those who want to be saved know this experiences.

    Please check this:
    You will come to know more about God and Jesus Christ.

  • http://[email protected] K rhein

    interested but sometimes I feel a lot of this is made up. I believe very much in Jesus the son of God.I believe in Heaven and Hell. I am active in the program of AA and have seen more miracles and (coincidences ?????) the program is God oriented and I Believe in Jesus and it is through God that I can only stay sober.Some of this is so( near death experiences)bazaar and far fetched. I had a friend commit suicide and he was standing before the tunnel with the bright light at the end.He saw his grandfather who died when he was 4.His grandfather motioned with his hands to go back it is not his time. He said the peace was blissful and was ready to charge down the tunnel,but it was not his time.He felt God’s precense in the tunnel.I believe that God said that you will not get out of life that easily as suicide,go back and there is much left before coming here.

  • sabbur

    I’m suicidal. It’s all I can do to get through each day, sometimes each minute. I have alienated myself from everyone in my life and can’t bear to be around people. I just want this life over with. I talk to God everyday waiting for some relief to come. It does not. I am in constant pain. I stay here because I don’t want to hurt my children, even though they are grown. But even that worry is fading.
    Angie Fenimore talks about darkness. That is what I look forward to these days. Sleep brings darkness and no thought. I have to work, but when I’m not there (even when I am) all I want is the darkness of sleep.

  • Admin


    Please do not give up.

    There is always hope, but you are going to have to turn to God to find it.

    If you will turn to God you can end up having more peace and love than you have ever known and you will have the ultimate happy ending.

    How can you have all this?

    Please go read the following article on how to find eternal life through Jesus Christ that we put together on another website….

  • Mrs Richard


    God has placed everyone on this earth for a reason. You have purpose and God has a plan for you. Worship him, turn to him for your answers, have faith in him for he answers all prayers. Whatever you want of him just ask. Suicide is not the answer. There will be trials and tribulations here on earth but if we live our lives according to Gods plans we will have eternal life with the father. I will pray for you and your well being. God is an almighty and loving God. He is the one to talk to when you don’t have anyone else. I hope you find peace within yourself and put all of your trust in the Lord.

  • clint

    i need help i do not want to go to hell im afraid that i may be going there cause i feel i have commited the unforgiven sin and ive been told i would go to hell no matter what i did ill still be going to hell please someone help me am i damned to hell or can i still be saved?

  • Kevin


    Do not give up. There is no sin that cannot be forgiven except for suicide itself. If you’re still alive, then God has not given up on you, but even He can’t help you if you give up on yourself. There are other NDE accounts of people who supposedly committed heinous acts, but found only forgiveness and belonging on the other side.

  • Mr.Parker

    I agree with k rhein. real bazaar. sounds like a book actually. She should turn this into a series or just do chronicles. sorry, but when you read her testimony it’s to edited and not real. If I experience near death I’m only going to tell you exactly what I saw. Like my friends buddy wife had drown in a swimming pool. she said she remember nothing or saw anything.

  • Cindy

    Right now, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of different ways to commit suicide. My life is really rough right now. Actually I hate it. Why be alive if you are miserable, right? I don’t know if I would go to hell or not. I look at it this way, God has to know how I am feeling, so why doesn’t He change things for me? Why can’t I be happy? Why do people think that they can treat me like ****? I really don’t know if I would go to hell, because God has to know that I have a problem, and if He doesn’t want me to kill myself, He should “FIX” me…..

  • Admin


    Life without God can be really, really, really miserable.

    But don’t give up.

    You have tried it without God.

    Why not at least try it with God before you give up?

    The truth is that God loves you so much that He sent His only Son to die on the cross to pay the penalty for your sins.

    You can have eternal life if you will just repent of your sins and ask God to save you.

    Instead of suicide, the ultimate happy ending is available if you will just ask for it.

    Please do not give up.

    Everything that you ever wanted is just moments away if you will just turn to God and ask for it.

  • David

    Her expereince is not uncommon among near death expereinces, although negative NDE’s are rare..most are extemely postive….I am saddended by your suffering and hope you can see a purpose in it becasue there is one–growth and dvelopment of the soul

    I undersatnd skepticism…..survival after death challenges our fixed beliefs about many things, but so did many wonderful scientific discoveries throughout history (Gallileo)

    Concsiusness after death has been proven using standard triple blind studies at the Univer of Arizona by Dr. Gary Swartz

    also read Brian Weiss (Yale, Columbia MD) , Dr. Ian Stevenson–all highly respected scientists

  • Maria

    Have you learned nothing from this account? The sufferings you experience you do because you are required to and God can’t “fix” you by taking it away. You have to go through it the same Christ went through the cross and if you take your life, you will not fix anything. You will have to experience suffering on the other side,possibly prolongued by your inability to work through things the way the living can. Don’t try to tempt God to “fix” things by committing suicide. Ask for strength to bear the suffering and come out victorious on the other side.

  • Maria


    The darkness she describes is not the darkness of sleep which you seek in your depression;it is a darkness of despair. It is unending suffering uninterrupted by sleep. Seek help! Don’t take your life and God bless.

  • L.R.Bhalla

    I have had some experience when anesthesia was given to me just before my bypass surgery.. No feeling.. nothing happened.
    Once I had met with an accident. I was unconcious. That time also there was no feeling of being hurt. But when I got concious, I felt a lot of pain on my head.

    So What I think, as long as we are alive, everything and every feeling is there. But when we are dead, in my opinion, there is nothing.

  • http://na katrinka

    To the person who said there is nothing …maybe for you because you choose to believe and live that down here but, there is definitely something on the otherside…we dont cease to exist because our bodies die…i know this from first hand experience…as far as the darkness of suicide..yes it is painful, robes you of joy, and makes you feel like your life is worthless and pointless and that you have nothing to offer down here… offer your suffering up, as Christ offered His, to be used by God to help some other person…who is in pain..somehow God turns our suffering into joy on the other side… it can be turned down here too but you must understand that your body chemistry plays a part in this too.. just as someone born without legs can not walk without prostetic legs, you need help with medicine and other treatments that can help you cope with the dna you were born with…it is about overcoming not giving up and giving in … if you find it too painful on those days curl up and cry or wait it out… better to do this down here that over there… the best trick of the darkness/satan is to convince you that you are worthless and proof of this is how you feel..depressed and useless… dont believe it…

  • C.Anne

    I don’t know if you ever come to this site any more, or if you are still with us. You are severely depressed and you need to seek the help God has already provided for you on the earth. I don’t know how much medical treatment you have already tried, but you must either start trying medicine or continue trying medicine. ECT is another treatment that may help. If you have a physical disease in your brain that is causing your misery, there are medical treatments that can bring relief. If your problem is not physical, it may be spiritual. Demonic harrassment could be behind this. Find a healing room ministry in your area, or go to a pentacostal or charismatic church and ask them for help.
    Sometimes hell overlaps our experience here on earth. Clinical Depression is one of those instances. Because of your condition, you are uniquely qualified to conceive of some of the pain of hell; do not go into eternity without Jesus. Repent of your sins and call on the name of Jesus.
    I understand about the constant pain and unanswered prayer. I have this disease, and my prayers for relief went unanswered for too long. Finally, God delivered me. I’ll never understand the delay, but I’m eternally grateful for the relief I have now. I will pray for you. It is not enough to pray to God if you don’t accept Jesus. You need Jesus.

  • Jody

    I believe the story. I read Trailing Clouds of Glory and read about Angie’story in there. The book said she speaks to people. I am wondering if there is anyway to get ahold of her.
    Just a thought I am wondering why you have a picture of someone hanging themselves this is very disturbing for those who lost there loved ones in this manner. Would you consider removing the picture?

  • Brian

    I have read dozens of NDEs but for me as a Christian, there are two that stand out from among the rest: Rev Howard Storm’s My Descent Into Hell and Angie Fenimore’s. In fact I have just finished reading Angie’s book. I come away with a lot of hope but I also come away with a lot of questions. Like Mr Parker, I too, feel there is something odd about Angie’s book — the last chapters feel like they were heavily mentored by somebody else perhaps somebody with the same spiritual views. Most of the book I found to be a biography of her life up to the time of her suicide. It seems to me that Angie suffered from a form of manic depression which she admits has never gone away. Personally I would like to have seen more written on her actual NDE albeit what she does write is very revealing.

    But as a Christian I am finding one or two of her ideas quite puzzling when I try to reconcile them with the Bible. For instance, she unapologetically presents reincarnation of the spirit. According to her we choose to come and live in this world. That seems strange given that this is not mentioned in Scripture. Also “And since we are eternal creatures, there is no such thing as ultimate and total death. We die to live again, but where we live again depends on how we conduct our mortal lives.” I have never read that in Scripture either. I thought that our future life is not dependent on our works but on Grace? And who would choose to come to this hell hole again anyway? Why would any self-respecting spirit want to do that especially at the risk of ending in Hell and never being able to get out!

    Angie goes on to say something which is even more startling. “God the Father told me that He Himself had had a mortal existence on a world like ours and had progressed along a path by choosing good over evil”. Correct me if I am wrong but that sounds like something from the LDS?

    I wonder if the plane of existence that (NDE) experiencers enter is anything like our earthly plane of existence — prone to incursion by deceptive spirits disguised as beings of light? Is the plane of an NDE exclusive to God alone?

    Apart from the above mentioned reservations I do hold that Angie’s experience is a credible one, one that has give me hope that perhaps death is in fact just a momentary transition to better things.

    I would like to speak to Angie. Does anybody know how to contact her?

  • Justin

    Hello, this is very interesting and am glad I read it. I would appreciate it if others would read my story and give advice and maybe their own personal thoughts on it…so here it goes. I’ve been through alot and feel as if I’ve been forsaken since birth but on the other hand I was born with a brain injury and clinical depression to be able to clear up the scientific aspect of this. I became a god loving little boy who had high hopes for the future only to lose the little brother I never had when we were both 11. He killed himself by suffocation with a belt one day out of nowhere. He used to go to a private catholic school and I overheard my parents and his parents saying they think he may have been molested. Ever since that devastating trauma and loss my own mortality was shoved in my face at a very young age. I lost any and all faith and love towards god and jesus. I felt as though he didn’t really exist in order to let this devastation happen and affect so many people so badly that or that he just didn’t care. So in turn I became even more withdrawn then ever and instantly started dressing in all black and got into heavy metal. I had always had a love for music but everything went dark after this. I decided to self serve 100 percent and live off of free will 100 percent. For every other year after my friend’s death I lost someone very close to me. I lost my great grandma, my grandpa, and my grandmother(my second mom) whom I all loved very very much. My upbringing was being a pallbearer. So I tried to keep a bit of religion in my heart and believe they “graduated” to a better level. At this point I ran out of tears to cry for them and to this day don’t know why I didn’t even shed a tear as much as I loved them. All of my life and I can swear to god on this literally has been a living hell. A constant struggle with school, severe anxiety, feeling inadequate, and different from all of the other children and uncomfortable with myself since the get go. As i’ve grown i’ve held on to this “atheist” self indulgent lifestyle and progressed with learning how to play music. It has been the only thing to bring me happiness not until I was so depressed thinking about suicide due to being a nobody and having problems with my parents making me feel even worse about myself that I decided I wanted to sell my soul and move out to show them all that I was somebody. So one night I was depressed and angrier then all h*ll and believe I attracted the presence of a demon. I started talking to this invisible energy I felt and then I got scared. I tried to bargain with it and lie to it. Telling it not to hurt me and that I would aid it’s cause with my music in turn for my soul. In reality I backed down on the inside and did not want this and I was scared. After this I saw 2 neon electric blue devil heads spin up into my vision through the dark in my room. Then I suddenly felt as if I were all alone traveling along a black highway with no sense of security. Ever since things have gotten extremely bad. I think I’ve died or about died in my sleep on several occassions but I believe it is Jesus who stops it which I am extremely grateful for. I fell asleep into a deep sleep and then I felt as if I died. Everything was black and I heard a bunch of scary sounds like animals or aliens surrounding me in every direction. They started to close in on me and I woke up screaming to Jesus to please save me and woke up to hearing myself crying an pleading. This actually happened before the rest of this stuff.Now on and off I am feeling extremely dead inside. No love for even music anymore. I can’t enjoy anything, eating, sleeping, music, the company of friends, sex, I feel no excitement for anything. I’m so lost. Now I am starting to hurt on the inside. The Dr. has found a 10 mm cyst in my liver. I’m so scared this is it. I’m 26 and 27 is THE year people who supposedly sold their souls for music all died at. I don’t want this. It’s not worth it. I want to live and see my daughter grow up and to accomplish music on my own. I’m so scared they are going to tell me I am sick. I keep praying and praying for forgiveness and peace but it seems I can’t get any better but worse. The only time I’ve felt better was when I went to church and knelt before our father on an alter. Something hit me like a magnet in reverse. I felt so happy and peaceful that whole day. Why has everything gotten worse afterwards? Is it the devil making me further believe it is god hurting me? Am I under demonic attack/ influence? I’ve never used the lords name in vane so many times and I feel as if it’s not really my fault 100 percent that I am being influenced to say such things and now I feel as if I am sick and slipping away. I keep praying and to St. Michael as well. Am I the evil spirit who wanders the earth seeking to bring the ruin of souls? Is this why I am getting hurt and dealing with so much as well as feeling deathly ill after praying? I’m so confused and scared, lost and hopeless. I am so scared to die… yet it is all I can dwell on. Please help. Please pray for me. Please give me advice or your opinions. God bless you all.-Justin

  • Marilyn

    Justin, I will be praying for you daily. This I promise. I do not know the answer to all the questions you have asked. But, God know you and your heart. You are His creation, His child and loves you very much. Just think of how much you love your daughter. You would do anything for her. Our heavenly Father loves more than we can comprehen. He loved us so much that He made a huge sacrafice. His Son, Jesus died for US! For OUR sins. Just think if every bad thing you have done could be taken back, erased. It can be in God’s eyes. The way to start, is to ask Jesus into your heart, and life. TO let him know that you need him, and want to get to know Him. God and Jesus want us to repent of our sins, which means acknowleging them, and trying(ONLY with God’s help)not to repeat and repeat them. I think this gets easier as our relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ and our heavenly Father develops and grows. Being a Christian is not about trying to be good, but having
    Jesus and God in our lives and getting to a point where your love for Them is so strong, you don’t WANT to hurt Them. Your walk with Them will be your very own. No matter what happens in your life, good or bad, you will know that they are there, with you. Pray for their guidance. They will never leave you, and are ALWAYS there if left by us.(Waiting longingly for us to return.) It is good that you are seeking God. The devil is a master manipulator. He wants you miserable and has nothing to offer but pain. All he does is lie, and lie, and lie. It is his goal to keep God’s children away from God. Pray to God when you feel attacked by the devil. He will know you are seeking Him, no matter how clumsy your words may be. Ask Him how to pray. (Jesus’ apostles asked Jesus that very same thing and He taught them the Lord’s prayer;the “Our Father.”) Justin, please look up this web site. It will show you how to ask Jesus Christ into your life. It even gives you the prayer to do this. Plus, what to do going forward. Read the Bible, it is God’s word, and an account of Jesus’s life and teachings while He was on earth. Find a Bible that you like.
    The web site is…
    Justin, God forgives us of anything, don’t let the devil try to convince you otherwise. I will be praying for you. Please believe that. Marilyn